Mind is wandering again, I've had an interesting few days.. I was lying in bed and thinking about the day's events and this came to mind....
'I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard'
~I will remember you - Sarah Mclachlan ~
I'm in two minds about things, are we always allowed to have feelings, or are there some that we need to supress. How would people react, and should their reactions bother me. Why am I locking into these social constraints and why do people expect so much from me. Why can't I just feel and do as I like? I'm one of those people who look at the bigger picture and I often miss the finer points, I'm one of those people who plan for the future and neglect what they feel at the present.
I want to break away, I want that sense of anonymity, I want that freedom. I don't want to be judged or have people presume and assume things about me.
Whilst my mind is free my actions are not. I am governed, I do as people expect so I don't rock the boat because the I always question is it worth it in the long run...Is it really worth making people upset over something that might not last? I feel trapped, I want to do as I would like but there is too much at stake. I'm more worried about making sure what I do pleases everyone else even if it doesn't please me.
The worst thing about all this is I don't even know what I want and part of that is because I'm not exactly able to explore those feelings because of my obligations to everyone else.
Would I be any different if you took away those expectations? I don't really know... all I know is sometimes I wish I had the courage to break away and not have to deal with the consequences of my actions, I wanna be that little kid in the play ground.
To some point I've missed a lot in my childhood because my perceptions of what is right and wrong has stopped me.
I just wanna breathe....I wanna love.... I wanna be free
But I can't...
Yours,
Puffaloonie
I've walked these streets
A virtual stage
It seemed to me
Make up on their faces
Actors took their
Places next to me
I've walked these streets
In a carnival
Of sights to see
All the cheap thrill seekers
The vendors & the dealers
They crowded around me
Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Inside myself and
My own mind
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have seen?
~ Natalie Merchant - Carnival~
