It's been a pretty good weekend, I've been out with some friends, caught up with people I hadn't spoken to in a while and just generally taken it easy. I have a pile of things I'm needing to do and whilst on 'holiday' I'm feeling rather stressed about my results and figuring out where I want to go and how my career is going to pann out.
Whilst I was going through some old stuff today I was thinking about friends and people in general and whilst I seem to have a lot of friends for some reason I feel lonely. No it's not because I don't have a man in my life ( or really have a man in my life) that I don't think is the issue. I think I'm feeling lonely because I never really fit in. I look at all my friends and they are from different groups, generally different people who like different things and do different things. They are all important and bring something out of me. But whilst I have all these 'friends' I still have this longing to feel accepted and to be a part of something, a group. I'd like to think I have a close group of friends, but even then they don't necessarily do what I like and sometimes I feel like I'm preventing them from doing what they like. At times I feel that I'm left out or people don't tell me things, I'm left in the dark. I feel that I'm singled out or purposly left behind. And whilst I'd like to think this is not the case I still feel it or have a suspicion that its true. Maybe its a lack of trust.
People always go on about the amount of people I know, the fact that I can't go anywhere without bumping into someone I know - having no sense of aninomity, which is not necessarily a bad or a good thing. There are days despite the people I know at uni where I feel alone, or I end up by myself. Why? I have no idea, and its days like this I wonder where are my friends. I mean I can go around and say hi to people have a quiet chat but I don't really socialise much with these people.
I guess what I'm tryin to say is at the moment I feel very much alone. Whilst being friends with lots of people and being close friends with lots of people I still feel that I'm being left out. When I think about it if ever I was to get into trouble I don't know who I'd turn to. Now I don't want you thinking that I don't cherish you as a friend or that I don't think you are being a friend, what I'm merely trying to say is that maybe I have too many friends but not enough close friends.I have to spread out my time and make sure I'm touching base with a whole group of different people and different friends and then I leave little time for 'closer' friends.
I don't know whats bringing this on but for the majority of this year for some bizzare reason I've just felt lonely. I'm feeling out of place, that I don't belong and that I don't have the closeness with some friends that I would like. For some reason I feel like I've been left behind, that those who I'd call close friends prehaps don't think of me in the same way. Maybe I just expect too much? I don't know....
It's hard I guess when you wanna share something and you have no one to share it with. I don't think I'm settled, I don't feel wanted or needed... to some extent I feel that if I were to disappear no one would really notice. I mean I do acknolege that I have lots of great people that care for me, but if they haven't heard from me in a couple of days do they really care? I don't have that person to touch base with every day.
Maybe I isolate myself from people? I mean I know I don't have a lot of time and there are a lot of people I want to catch up with, and I know I've become a workaholic.. I study heaps because that's what I have to do to get some decent marks, I take heaps on because it will help me further my career and I get to learn new things whilst doing them, maybe it's because I'm not making the time for my friends and not giving them the time they deserve. After all this though I feel like they don't understand.
I don't know whats going on in my mind... I guess I'm having a little low, I guess I'm feeling lonely and trying to find a reason why... I guess I'm longing for something...
I mean I might seem fine most days and when I'm out with people but I feel that I just can't let loose and be free... I have to conform..
Bah enough of my feeling sorry for myself... I should be happier...
That's it for me,
Yours
Puffaloonie
PS.. please don't read too much into all this.. I'll get over it, just need to get it outta my system
People say I'm the life of the party
Cause I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
Just look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
Outside, I'm masquerading
Inside, my hope is fading
Just a clown, oh yeah since you put me down
My smile is my make-up I wear since my break-up with you
~ Smokey Robinson - Tracks of My Tears~
