Dear all,

It's been a pretty satisfactory couple of days, in between dinners and coffees and meetings I have come out with very little energy. I was in bed watching cartoons for the most part yesterday... didn't really wanna get out. Warmth and safety watching good guys get the bad guys - makes more sense than most the stuff in the world...

I've felt like I've placed myself in isolation and the even more scary thing is I don't think anyone cares. The fact that I'm having issues deciding where I fit in and I've always had to grapple with these feelings of lonliness make me question would anyone really care or notice if I just disappeared for a week, a fortnight or even a month. Would people realise I was gone, most people don't seem to realise that something is wrong and people never bother to get in contact with me. So maybe I'm not as transparent as people think? Maybe I'm just severly dis-satisfied with where I am, who I am and what I am, maybe I don't know what to expect of people - much less people I'd call friends or close friends. I expect too much and I know I do, and it's not a fair expectation, but then others expect of me too, I know it doesn't make it right nor just to place these expectations of what friends are like or what they should be but shouldn't everyone have a fair idea of what they want? I'd like to think I treat my friends the way I want to be treated by them. I'm thinking my lack of mobility due to the fact I don't have my license might play a part but even if I could go out who would I go with?

I feel empty and unloved and not needed. Every friend I have has someone else, they don't need me, but I need them - making it very one sided. I talk to friends who try and understand where I'm coming from yet they don't know what to say to me because quite frankly there isn't much to say. They try and tell me I'm loved and needed yet I still feel inadequate and uncared for. Words are diffrent from action..

So as I sit in tears by my comp I wonder and I destined for a life of lonliness, am I just being picky and selfish, should I just accept the way things are and realise that things wont change? Should I wipe these tears and just forget about it, leave these underlying feelings. I'm so mixed up at the moment - I don't know what I want, I don't know what would fill this void, I don't know why I feel so unsettled.

This break sucks, inbetween being busy there is the post work let down, the feeling of nothing to do and that no one cares. Far out I've been in this crappy mood for weeks and it's not fair for the people around me but I don't know what to do, who to turn to... Too much time to think I reckon.

That's it from me..
Yours,
Puffaloonie


Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
~Evanscence - Missing~